Chapter 1: The Alien Within

From a young age, I have always felt like an outsider, as though I were an alien in a world that viewed me with suspicion.

Throughout my early years, particularly in elementary school, teachers suspected I might be on the autism spectrum. Instead of taking their concerns seriously, my parents opted for a blood test to rule out autism. The response was swift: "Look! He’s perfectly fine! There's no autism in his blood!" Even after all this time—over 40 years—this reaction still stings.

At times, I ponder whether my life would have been easier had I been placed in special education classes rather than being thrust into an environment that felt predatory. My wife believes that attending special needs classes might have led me to develop a victim mentality, but I often held that belief myself. My unconventional way of thinking left many people puzzled, and I frequently doubted my intelligence and worth.

While I remain undiagnosed, I had an informal discussion with a therapist who suggested I am likely on the autism spectrum. This insight offers some comfort, yet I believe an official diagnosis could provide closure on the painful memories of school and my feelings of being out of place.

School was a place I despised; I longed for escape. Adding to my struggles was the realization that my gender identity didn’t align with my physical form. I felt an intense envy towards girls—how they could have long, beautiful hair and wear whatever they desired. Deep down, I believed I should embody that femininity. Yet, a mishap during fetal development meant I ended up in a male body. The disconnect remains palpable even today.

To alleviate my distress, I strive to connect my internal sense of femininity with my male physique. Finding a hairstylist in Cancun who understood my desire for a more feminine look was a blessing. I suspect he is gay, which likely helps him empathize with my experience.

With feminine hairstyles, well-groomed eyebrows, and smooth skin, I occasionally forget I am male upon waking. The reality settles in only after I dress—donning women’s shirts, socks, and shorts enhances my sense of femininity. The finishing touches—painting my nails, wearing earrings, jewelry, and perfume—allow me to embrace my identity further. I essentially treat my male body as if it were female.

I contemplate transitioning, but my body has already been influenced by high levels of estrogen. The primary changes I desire are facial feminization surgery and electrolysis. My thoughts rarely linger on my genitals, as I am attracted to women, giving me the impression of existing as a third gender.

Despite feeling unique and misunderstood, I recognize that many others share similar experiences. The spectrum of intersex and transgender identities is broad; no one is purely male or female. I strive to make the most of my circumstances. My wife acknowledges that my lifelong exposure to estrogen has softened my features, making me less conventionally masculine. When I wear a long wig and makeup, I can present a fairly decent female appearance.

However, my wife, who is not attracted to women, desires a more masculine partner. I can only do so much to accommodate her preferences. Fortunately, my feminization practices haven’t caused her distress, but when I appear feminine, it does present challenges.

My wife also grapples with her femininity, identifying more with a nonbinary experience. She shies away from traditional femininity and prefers a more gender-neutral presentation. While I find it unfortunate to miss the opportunity for both of us to embrace beauty, I respect her choices, just as I hope she respects mine.

Despite these challenges, I feel fortunate to be accepted for who I am. I can't imagine navigating this journey alone. The societal transphobia that permeates my world is disheartening.

What troubles me most is her fear that her family will reject us if they learn my truth. I once had a successful YouTube channel as Anna B., generating significant viewership and income. However, my wife’s anxiety prompted me to delete my videos, which was incredibly disappointing.

I hear the concerns from others, and I understand their perspectives, yet the situation is complex. My wife and her family experience their own forms of transphobia, often perceiving me as less than. This reflects a broader societal tendency to view gender in binary terms, which limits understanding and acceptance.

The world often prefers simplicity, making it easier for systems to enforce conformity and control. In this rigid framework, there is little room for nuance or individuality.