Lesson 1: Recognizing Your Anger Triggers

When I schedule an online meeting, punctuality is crucial for me. To ensure I’m prepared, I set an alarm 15 to 30 minutes beforehand to gather essentials like tea, a pen, and my calendar, aiming to be fully engaged.

So, it’s no surprise that I become irritated when others are late. While I can tolerate delays of a few minutes, anything longer than that tests my patience. Recently, during a FaceTime call with three friends, I received a message asking for an additional hour's wait just as we were supposed to start.

Though I dislike last-minute adjustments, I reluctantly agreed. However, after an hour of waiting, I received another message requesting an extra 30 minutes. Frustrated, I begrudgingly went along. When the call finally began with only one participant, I exploded when the ringtone went off, feeling overwhelmed by the constant changes. I lashed out, though I tried to frame my feelings using “I” statements. Unfortunately, my frustrated tone overshadowed any reasonable communication.

My aggressive delivery was not well received, with one person trying to mediate while another reacted defensively. This situation led me to forget all the positive communication strategies I had learned.

You might wonder if you’ve experienced similar moments. I thought I had learned my lesson last year after ending a friendship due to continual tardiness. Now, I realize delays are a significant anger trigger for me. By recognizing this, I can hopefully sidestep heated encounters in the future. This doesn’t mean I’ll be passive; instead, I plan to calmly express my boundaries and step away before reacting with anger.

“Angry people are not always wise.” - Jane Austen

Lesson 2: Taking the Initiative to Apologize

Inappropriate anger always necessitates an apology. However, during the call, I clung to my sense of righteousness and stated I wouldn’t apologize to the person’s defender. It’s astonishing how misguided our beliefs can be!

The next day, I realized my tone was inappropriate. I even checked in with the peacemaker from the call, who confirmed that my delivery was not pleasant, even though she shared my frustration. I knew I had to take responsibility and apologize for my outburst.

Once I did, we were able to mend our relationship and address the recurring issue of tardiness that had plagued our group. Anger can fracture trust, making reconciliation difficult. I was grateful for my friend’s understanding.

You can choose to remain in self-righteousness, but consider how that might affect your relationships in the long run.

“Anger is the emotion that separates. It cuts everything right in two.” - Charlotte Joko Beck

Lesson 3: Practicing Self-Forgiveness

In the past, I would have punished myself for losing my temper, dwelling in shame and embarrassment for days. However, this time, I allowed myself to forgive my mistake, which indicates personal growth. It might have been easier because it has been quite a while since I last lost my temper.

Regardless of where you are in your journey, avoid wasting time on self-criticism. Forgive yourself, but also commit to doing better next time. Recognizing that my anger might stem from past trauma isn’t an excuse, but it does remind me to be kind to myself as I continue learning to manage my emotions effectively.

“Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” - Maya Angelou

It’s challenging to be the one who lost control and hurt someone else. Remember that anger is a natural human emotion; it can help highlight your needs and boundaries. The key is learning to express anger healthily rather than explosively. This requires time, so if you’re easily triggered, set realistic expectations for yourself.

In the meantime, let’s avoid stigmatizing ourselves when we falter and instead move forward with greater clarity for the next time we feel agitated.

For further insights, consider subscribing to my bi-monthly Wild Arisings newsletter.