Chapter 1: The Weight of the Past

Divorce can feel like an endless cycle, especially when it’s marred by abuse. Often, I find myself reflecting on my own experience; it’s as if I adopted a recurring phrase that defined the before and after of my life. This catchphrase has become my new reality.

“I used to be fun,” I would say.

“I used to solve my problems easily,” I would say.

“I used to be the life of the party,” I would say.

“I used to sleep soundly,” I would say.

“I used to be healthier,” I would say.

“I used to embrace life fully,” I would say.

“I used to have good credit,” I would say.

“I used to be the optimistic type, always seeing the glass half full,” I would say.

“I used to maintain an active lifestyle,” I would say.

“I used to enjoy going out,” I would say.

“I used to be more sociable,” I would say.

“I used to invest wisely,” I would say.

“I used to feel in control of my life,” I would say.

“I used to make the impossible a reality,” I would say.

“I used to feel good about myself,” I would say.

“I used to own a home,” I would say.

“I used to have savings, retirement, and a sense of security,” I would say.

I clung to the notion of “I used to.” I cherished that version of myself—the ‘used-to’ me. She represented who I was before I allowed a controlling partner to diminish my spirit.

Some individuals navigating divorce manage to do so without such scars. They may find themselves abruptly divorced, yet they can maturely acknowledge the relationship’s decline. They act selflessly for their children's sake, offering their ex-partner a chance to reset.

On the other hand, I yearned for a clean separation. Unfortunately, my husband sought revenge for my decision to leave. He craved control, finances, and a means to punish me.

Even more heartbreaking is hearing my children echo the same phrase. They, too, have experienced the toll of a long and tumultuous divorce, leading to their own “before and after” moments. “Dad didn’t used to be like this,” they would say, reflecting on the father they once knew versus the man he has become.

It’s astonishing how five years can reshape a person’s identity. Yet, it happens. I now have to actively reprogram my thoughts. The confident, joyful, and self-respecting me was overshadowed by the abuse I endured. My ex-partner used my decision to leave as an excuse for his cruelty.

I remind myself of the positivity that once came naturally. An abusive individual did not break me; he merely caused temporary weariness. His aim was to inflict suffering, to reduce my worth, and to strip me of everything to prove his point.

I refuse to become the ‘used-to girl’—that would mean giving him the victory he sought. Although some days are still challenging, I find solace in knowing that the struggle diminishes over time. Confidence, hope, and self-respect are gradually reclaiming their rightful places within me.

As I distance myself from the toxicity of my past, I realize that divorce shouldn’t lead to a complete loss of identity. Rather, it should be a pathway to reclaiming the pieces of ourselves we neglected while in unhealthy circumstances. Divorce is painful enough; it should not also mean losing who we are.

We cannot afford to dwell in the realm of “I used to.” That phrase should only emerge once during a divorce: “I used to be married.”

The first video, "So Much SHAME" | What Divorce Is Really Like For Women, explores the emotional turmoil women face during a divorce, shedding light on the often hidden struggles.

The second video, How Do the Effects of Divorce Uniquely Impact Women?, discusses the distinct challenges women encounter post-divorce, illustrating the long-lasting effects on their identities and lives.

Chapter 2: Embracing the Future

The journey of healing is ongoing, but the restoration of self is possible. With each passing day, I am learning to embrace who I am becoming, shedding the labels of the past.

Follow my journey on Instagram, Twitter, LinkedIn, or Facebook for more insights and reflections.