Chapter 1: A Year Like No Other

For many, 2020 was a year of hardship, yet I found solace in a bubble of joy, albeit with a hint of guilt about the chaos outside. My heart goes out to those who lost loved ones during this tumultuous time; no one should endure such pain. I pray for healing for all affected. Ase.

On a personal note, 2020 marked a triumph for me. I turned a long-held dream into reality, feeling enveloped in love I had never experienced before. Finally, I understood what it meant to be a new parent, relishing the security of my home and the arrival of my baby girl in late 2019, despite my fragile health.

With prayers answered and aspirations fulfilled, I felt empowered—although I was unaware of the brewing challenges ahead. As the new year approached in 2021, I was focused on ensuring my mother's well-being and fulfilling my roles as a mother and homemaker. I desperately wanted to preserve the happiness we had cultivated, but my self-love reservoir was running dangerously low. This gradual neglect led me into a silent depression, masked by an impressive facade.

The weight of these thoughts intensified after a subdued July 4th weekend. I was gearing up to return to a job that brought me no joy, despite being surrounded by good company. The thought of resuming full-time work filled me with dread. I had convinced myself that I had pushed postpartum depression aside, but the reality was that I was about to step out of the comfort of my home into a world of uncertainty.

Insert commercial break: Celebrating My Amazing Child

Regina Arlene, a name honoring both her remarkable grandmothers, is everything I prayed for and more. Born on November 3rd at 10:10 AM to the soulful tunes of Luther Vandross, she embodies every positive aspect I believed I possessed at my peak. Fearless, she shines with the complexion I have always admired. My primary responsibility was to ensure her safety, as advised by her pediatrician.

After we celebrated her first birthday, I thought I had everything under control. Routine was established, and I felt I was managing well. However, change has a way of disrupting even the most stable situations.

Chapter 2: The Awakening

As the world clamored to return to normalcy, my inner peace began to crack. My body started to reveal signs of neglect, and I was spiraling further into despair. I felt lost and disconnected from my own strength, unable to find solutions. My attempts to seek advice from family yielded little understanding; the situation felt surreal. Music, once my refuge, became unbearable, adding to my feelings of despair.

One evening, I decided to let the universe guide my musical journey. I shuffled through songs, unsure of what I needed until I stumbled upon Cleo Sol’s “Rose in the Dark.” The track “When I’m in Your Arms” struck a chord within me, igniting a flicker of hope and marking the beginning of my healing journey.

During this process, I began to confront my emotions. Days of joy were often followed by bouts of sadness. I questioned whether I truly wanted to heal, as it would require embracing self-love—a concept I struggled to accept while prioritizing the needs of others.

My tendency to please others had become overwhelming. Even though I had the child I longed for, I wasn't prepared for the emotional toll it would take. When I first returned home, I distanced myself from my support system, believing it was time for me to navigate this journey independently.

Fortunately, my surrogate aunt stepped in just when I needed guidance. I am profoundly grateful for Auntie Nette’s unwavering support, but I remained unaware of the challenges that lay ahead. My self-love reservoir was depleted, even in the face of small victories, and I was oblivious to the impending storm that was about to unfold.