Chapter 1: Understanding Anxious Attachment

After 36 years, I've come to recognize my anxious attachment style, something I had previously denied.

Attachment theory has been discussed for quite some time, and I've taken multiple quizzes while reading various resources to better understand my type. Yet, I often felt disconnected from the standard classifications. Many definitions of anxious attachment emphasize an overwhelming fear of abandonment, a sentiment I didn't resonate with. I didn’t experience constant worry about my partner leaving me, which led me to conclude that I wasn’t anxiously attached.

But I was mistaken. I found myself overly sensitive to even the slightest signs of withdrawal from my partner. I didn’t bombard them with texts or get upset about delayed responses. However, when they took hours to reply, or didn't message me for an entire day, I felt a surge of insecurity. Did they dislike me? Was I not significant enough? How difficult was it to send a quick message?

Furthermore, I expected them to always be available. Their cheerfulness provided me with a sense of security about our relationship. If they seemed less communicative or appeared frustrated due to external factors, it shook my confidence. These minor uncertainties accumulated, leaving me feeling immobilized by anxiety, leading to a downward spiral where I’d withdraw and become moody, convinced something was amiss between us.

I hadn’t realized that although I didn’t fear a breakup, I was deeply anxious about losing their affection, even temporarily. During disagreements, I craved immediate resolution. The adage of not going to bed angry resonated with me. I failed to understand that my partner might need time alone to process things.

In conflict, my fear of abandonment—specifically the potential return to a state of unfulfilled love—was triggered. I endeavored to eliminate uncertainty and restore peace.

As Jessica Baum notes in Anxiously Attached, I would rush to resolve issues: “I leap to try to resolve things right away… I need answers, a resolution, and I need them now!” I didn’t recognize this behavior as reflective of anxious attachment; I believed I was justified in wanting to resolve matters swiftly, as we shouldn’t go to bed angry, right? Yet, in my urgency, I neglected my partner’s need for space to process their emotions, prioritizing my own need for reassurance.

Section 1.1: The Challenge of Vulnerability

I found it daunting to initiate discussions about sensitive subjects. Though I was aware of my struggles with vulnerability, I didn’t connect this to anxious attachment. Deep down, I recognized the necessity of discussing future plans, such as whether we wanted children, yet I kept my thoughts to myself. I often pondered these topics alone, avoiding conversations.

Initially, I thought I was merely conflict-averse, but I failed to explore deeper motivations. Why was I avoiding these discussions? Why did I believe that talking about our future would lead to conflict? I understood that we might be incompatible on significant issues like having children, but instead of addressing this directly, I chose to ignore it. It was as though if we never discussed these topics, the differences wouldn’t exist.

I was in denial about my anxious attachment tendencies, clinging to my partner’s affection and attention so tightly that I preferred to evade tough conversations rather than risk losing their love.

Subsection 1.1.1: Taking the First Step

What comes next? Acknowledging that a problem exists is the first step toward resolution. Although I haven’t yet figured out how to break these habits and instinctive reactions in future relationships, I plan to focus on my feelings and actions, aiming to calm myself before spiraling into anxiety.

Do you resonate with having an anxious attachment style? What strategies have you employed to manage it? Share your experiences in the comments—I’d love to hear your thoughts!

Chapter 2: Resources for Understanding Anxious Attachment

This insightful video titled "How to Overcome an Anxious Attachment Style" explores practical strategies to help individuals understand and manage their anxious attachment behaviors, fostering healthier relationships.

In "Anxious Attachment Style: Overcome Your Urge to MERGE and CLING in Early Relationships," viewers learn about the dynamics of anxious attachment and how to develop a sense of security in relationships, preventing the urge to cling.