Embracing the Chaos: How to Start Living Authentically
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Chapter 1: Listening to Your Inner Voice
Have you ever felt like navigating life is akin to dodging hidden traps? That's your intuition signaling you, and sometimes it takes courage to heed that message. At the age of 23, I felt lost and ancient, leading me to my first therapy session. With a degree in Applied Linguistics, I was at a crossroads—should I teach, translate, or pursue something else entirely? I was in dire need of direction, uncertain of my identity or skills. The confusion about whether I wanted to stay home, travel abroad, or simply exist weighed heavily on me, prompting my search for professional help.
The therapy sessions felt almost magical, akin to witchcraft. I found myself crying, experiencing enlightening moments, and being encouraged to embark on a journey of self-discovery. However, I lacked the patience for such a deep dive. I was eager to prove my worth—to my family, to myself, to the world. I longed for a sense of empowerment.
In that moment of clarity, I realized I could acquire the understanding of human behavior—why people act as they do and why I am the way I am. What if I could finally articulate the complexities of the world? This obsession led me to create a singular dream: to move to Germany and study psychology.
Section 1.1: The Illusion of Bravery
Choosing to move to Germany alone may seem audacious, yet it felt secure. I was comfortable with the language, intended to work as an au pair, and planned to study. Nothing was truly risky or innovative; it was a clever way to portray myself as a hero. I had endured hardships before, but by committing to this move, I could present myself as a martyr in a noble cause.
However, embracing the victim role for too long can become a part of your identity. When everyone perceives you as the underdog, it can morph into your entire persona—being the tired, broke student struggling in a foreign country. This is how self-pity, people-pleasing, and populism take root. Living in a less-than-ideal situation and feeling perpetually downcast becomes your new normal. Breaking free from that identity is no easy task.
Subsection 1.1.1: The Desire for Control
I was uncertain about my desire to become a psychologist. While I considered myself empathetic and skilled in understanding people, it was the title and the power that attracted me. I yearned for control over my life and circumstances, craving safety and love.
My indecisiveness and feelings of inadequacy tormented me. I failed to learn how to dream, never engaging with my aspirations or nurturing them. Instead, I invited more suffering into my life, disguising it as a pursuit of a noble goal.
Section 1.2: Recognizing the Need for Change
Reflecting on my journey, I see that my move was more about escaping than pursuing ambition. It was an attempt to delay facing the chaos within me—the uncertainty about my desires and identity. Moving to another country served merely as a backdrop for my internal struggles, masked as courage and purpose.
Therapy has been a constant in my life since then. I often recall my first therapist's wisdom: "You cannot escape your demons; they will follow you wherever you go."
People often say that hitting rock bottom is a prerequisite for recovery. I’m not sure I ever truly hit that low; it feels as though I've been hovering just above it for years, never fully sinking or rising. It has been a perpetual state of 'almost.' Almost content, almost fulfilled, almost courageous. Setting goals based on my needs was easier than truly understanding myself.
Chapter 2: The Liberation of Letting Go
When you come to the realization that the dream you imposed upon yourself is no longer viable, it can be heartbreaking yet liberating. Allowing that fantasy to fade frees you to make choices that are genuinely courageous.
This narrative is about tuning into your instincts, having the courage to make informed decisions, and holding onto the hope that you will eventually find what you seek. I am beginning to understand what it means to genuinely live rather than merely exist. When you relinquish the dreams that look appealing on paper, you open yourself to a multitude of real choices in life. Perhaps the ultimate dream is the freedom to stumble and still rise each day with a smile. It may also be about recognizing that the safety net was never real, and that falling flat can often lead to unexpected joys.
So, here’s to the dreams that fade and the beautifully chaotic life that takes their place. Sometimes, the scariest decisions pave the way for the most remarkable journeys.
Practical Insights from My Journey:
- Listen to Your Gut: Trust your instincts; they often reveal truths your mind has yet to grasp.
- Seek Professional Guidance: Therapy can be transformative for self-awareness and decision-making. Self-help books and YouTube resources can also be beneficial.
- Cultivate Your Imagination: Even if it feels daunting, allow your dreams to flourish. Aim for what you truly desire rather than what you think is expected.
- Accept Your Past: Acknowledge your history; it shapes you, but it doesn't define you.
- Steer Clear of Victimhood: It's tempting to identify as a martyr, but this mindset hinders growth. Reflect on why you cling to this identity.
- Embrace Failure: Mistakes are integral to learning and growth. A growth mindset can transform setbacks into opportunities.
- Start Living Today: Don’t wait for the perfect moment. Seize every opportunity to experience life, even if it feels daunting.
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The first video, "Dream - Until I End Up Dead (Official Music Video)," explores themes of aspiration and the struggle to realize one's dreams, resonating with the journey of self-discovery.
The second video, "I Thought About Killing You," delves into the complexities of identity and the internal battles we face, echoing the narrative of confronting one's inner turmoil.