Chapter 1: The First Steps into Solitude

For the first time in my sixty years, I find myself living alone. I transitioned from my parents' home into marriage, followed by the responsibilities of raising children. Even after becoming single later in life, I was still defined by my role as a mother. The weekends when the kids spent time with their father were my only moments of solitude. During that time, I struggled to find comfort in my own presence, unsure of my true self or the person I might evolve into. I felt a sense of disorientation.

When I wasn’t connected to my children, I felt untethered. They constituted nearly my entire existence—almost. I had a fulfilling job as well, which added to my sense of purpose. I remember dining alone and enjoying movies on my own; my mother would often comment on how sad that seemed. However, I found contentment in those moments. Who needs company to enjoy a good film? I often relished the experience of reading while dining, especially when the kids were away.

Did you ever notice how children become the center of our universe, and we revolve around their activities, joys, and struggles?

As time went on, I remarried, and the dynamic shifted. When the children left home, I experienced what many refer to as empty nest syndrome, but I embraced it wholeheartedly. My husband and I began to spend more quality time together, creating a new orbit around one another. I found my footing again.

Tragically, my husband faced multiple cancer diagnoses, and he is no longer with us as of April.

But please, do not feel sorry for me; I am managing well.

Well, mostly. Later in the day, I find myself missing the simple joys of our shared evenings: our debates over what to watch on TV, our discussions about books, food, and current events. I used to be constantly busy, engaged in various caregiving tasks. Now, my evenings stretch out before me like an empty ocean, leaving me adrift without my husband. His absence has left a void where his chair once anchored me.

Most days now follow a new rhythm. My husband was content to stay home with our pets while I traveled with family. He thrived in solitude, whereas I am navigating this new terrain. Our dogs now have experiences at the kennel and adjusted walking schedules. I find myself watching TV at unusual hours—movies during the evening news or comedies in the morning—and I eat meals at my own convenience.

In my youth, my parents would chuckle at my sleeping positions. Now, alone in bed, I spread out with both pillows, occupying nearly every inch of space. I’m not quite sure why, but I am finally getting the restful eight hours I need.

I am focusing on healthier eating and exploring hiking trails. I’ve started to connect with my neighbor, and I’m taking better care of minor health concerns. All of these changes are positive steps for both my physical and mental well-being.

Recently, I reflected on my obsession with productivity. I tend to create endless to-do lists and often end up being a harsh taskmaster to myself. Earlier this week, I found myself questioning whether two morning hikes would disrupt my writing schedule, which I am eager to get back to. Sigh. I realize I need to treat the woman in the mirror with kindness. She has endured a lot and deserves the occasional lazy day.

I’m still new to this living-alone experience and can’t say whether I would genuinely enjoy embracing a more relaxed lifestyle. But, I am willing to experiment—at least for a day.

No one has to know. Perhaps I’ll just share my findings with the next version of myself that I encounter.

Chapter 2: Balancing Vulnerability and Strength

In the TEDx talk "Losing Yourself to Find Yourself," Fred Pinto discusses the transformative power of losing oneself in order to rediscover identity. His insights resonate with those experiencing major life changes, offering a framework for personal growth.

Similarly, Halle Richards in "You have to lose yourself to find yourself" emphasizes the importance of self-discovery through loss. Her journey highlights the resilience that can emerge from life's challenges, encouraging viewers to embrace their own paths of transformation.